Right now, I am struggling.
I am doing okay, right now.
In this very time, this short little season, I am okay AND I am struggling.
I am struggling to interact socially AND I am enjoying my family’s Labor Day camping tradition.
The doing of everyday tasks is costing me more energy and motivation than normal AND I love being the one who cares for my home.
I feel helpless and hopeless knowing that there are people on the other side of the world, real people I’ve seen and met and laughed with and hugged, whose daily lives are a struggle to survive AND I recognize that their life has meaning and value and beauty.
I feel guilt over my life of absolute comfort and luxury AND I know that my life also has meaning, and value, and beauty.
I am filled with root-less fear AND I am secure in the knowledge that I need not fear.
The prospect of making a phone call or going into a store is cause for extreme anxiety AND I know that I am capable.
I feel like I will never feel any way other than this AND I am confident that this season will pass in His timing.
It’s difficult for me to explain this to people, when I’m in the AND place. People who don’t experience the AND place can’t quite make sense of it; they want it to be one or the other. And that’s okay too. Shared experiences build relationships, but learning from experiences that we don’t share is even more valuable.
These too are typically the people who can tell that I’m not myself and want to help me to “shake it off”, or they wonder why I don’t seem happier.
The truth is, there aren’t always lots of smiles in the AND place.
Sometimes there’s just the success of making it through a social environment (or a shower) without having a panic attack. AND there’s the deep-rooted appreciation of being richly blessed by a life filled with people who love me through this.
This dual reality that I’m currently living in, this place of AND, I’ve been here before.
And it’s a struggle.
And I’m doing okay.