Just about a week ago, I shared my fantastic weekend and opened up about what a stretch that was for me, and the personal growth I’ve made in that area.
Within the next day or two, I crashed into a state of anxiety. It came upon, like every time, without warning and completely unexpectedly. I spent Monday in a funk, and the rest of the week slowly returning to normal. When this happens, my self-taught response is to go into shut-down mode. This means I avoid leaving the house, I avoid talking to anyone possible, I avoid communicating.
And I avoid blogging! This means that I fell off the “wagon” for my January goal of posting at least one blog post per day. Typically when I fall into my funk, I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I simply do not know how to articulate. Or maybe more accurately, it seems at the time like too much work to figure out how. So I have taught myself to respond to these situations by going into shut-down mode ~ I watch tv, I eat, I nap, and I numb myself to the things going in inside of me until “it passes”. Im realizing finally that it doesn’t so much pass as I stuff it back sown somewhere safe where I don’t have to think about it!
Part of the reason that I started this blog is because I want to be able to share my experiences on a day to day basis. Even if it only comes out a few words or thoughts at a time, I’m hoping that this will help me to do less avoiding and more living in the present.
Another goal of mine in starting this blog was and is to share my personal experiences with depression, what depression looks like for me, and the growth and personal discoveries I’ve made with depression as such a prevalent part of my life. I’m working out some ideas for a few mini series to that end.
For now, I’m reveling in the fact that I’m sharing now, even after the most recent episode is all said and done. This is new, and I like it. I’m a little scared to expose myself this way, but I like it!