It seems that I am continuously rediscovering the “right” formula for my life. Hmm, maybe the answer is in the question, and there is no right formula! Food for thought…
I often find that when I get too “caught in my head” (which happens often!), it really helps to write it out. However, for the last week or so I have been completely in my own head space, and I’m finding that I simply don’t have the words.
I don’t have the words to tell you that I pushed myself too hard the first couple days of last week, and crashed and burned the last few days.
I don’t have the words to explain to you that it’s such a cycle for me ~ I try to do it all relying on my own self, and that is clearly never the answer.
I don’t have the words to tell you that when the crashing comes, it’s all I can do to get through the day, much less take care of myself. Or those around me.
I don’t have the words to say that school, which seemed like the exact right choice nearly three years ago, is feeling more like a burden than a blessing all the time.
I don’t have the words to explain that it’s likely me who has grown and changed and finally figured out my priorities.
I don’t have the words to tell you how or why old plans and new plans don’t always fit together.
I don’t have the words to explain my feeling of being in the world, but not of the world. The confusion, the comfort, of being made for something more.
I don’t have the words to tell you that standing up for my beliefs can feel isolating, and scary. Also liberating. And grown-up-y.
I don’t have the words to say that marriage can be so, so hard sometimes.
I don’t have the words to make you understand that no matter how hard, my marriage is such a blessing to me.
I don’t have the words to explain that blessings and hardships coincide to be something more beautiful than anything that doesn’t require work, and attention, and sacrifice.
I’m hoping that I will find my words again soon!