No Words

It seems that I am continuously rediscovering the “right” formula for my life.  Hmm, maybe the answer is in the question, and there is no right formula!  Food for thought…

I often find that when I get too “caught in my head” (which happens often!), it really helps to write it out.  However, for the last week or so I have been completely in my own head space, and I’m finding that I simply don’t have the words.

I don’t have the words to tell you that I pushed myself too hard the first couple days of last week, and crashed and burned the last few days.

I don’t have the words to explain to you that it’s such a cycle for me ~ I try to do it all relying on my own self, and that is clearly never the answer.

I don’t have the words to tell you that when the crashing comes, it’s all I can do to get through the day, much less take care of myself.  Or those around me.

I don’t have the words to say that school, which seemed like the exact right choice nearly three years ago, is feeling more like a burden than a blessing all the time.

I don’t have the words to explain that it’s likely me who has grown and changed and finally figured out my priorities.

I don’t have the words to tell you how or why old plans and new plans don’t always fit together.

I don’t have the words to explain my feeling of being in the world, but not of the world.  The confusion, the comfort, of being made for something more.

I don’t have the words to tell you that standing up for my beliefs can feel isolating, and scary.  Also liberating.  And grown-up-y.

I don’t have the words to say that marriage can be so, so hard sometimes.

I don’t have the words to make you understand that no matter how hard, my marriage is such a blessing to me.

I don’t have the words to explain that blessings and hardships coincide to be something more beautiful than anything that doesn’t require work, and attention, and sacrifice.

***

I’m hoping that I will find my words again soon!

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13 thoughts on “No Words

  1. I read your I don’t statements, I feel the same way… 🙂 Anyway – when I went home to check my iPod, some time ago, my husband had downloaded that Tenth Avenue North song (Beloved). I’ve been listening to it in the morning prior to my work day. It’s a beautiful song.

  2. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you & how wonderful I think you are. Your transparency is such an enourmous blessing in my life.

    • I agree! And as the situation continued through the week, I definitely learned a lot about myself and my faith. The whole thing came to a good resolution as well, which sure doesn’t always happen but was certainly nice! 😉

  3. Awesome post, because in sharing your heart, you’ve helped me figure out mine. I’ve totally felt this way, but how you put words to it is amazing and beautiful. My middle sister and I joke to each other that we think you are our other long-lost sister because we seem so much alike! Sorry, I hope that is somewhat a compliment–in that we can identify with the things you share about yourself! 🙂

  4. so much that i identify with here.

    i’m having one of those weeks, those lost weeks. those push on through only to face more weeks. reading your words was a comfort to me on this grey day:)

  5. thanks for sharing, Katie. your words are a comfort to me on this grey day at the end of a too full week of stressful work and feeling lost. i feel much the same way often…and it’s nice to know i’m not alone:)

    • I’m always glad to hear that people can relate to these feelings ~ it helps me just as much to know that I’m not alone! I hope that your week has gotten better.

  6. Pingback: The Crash, The Click « Katie Without Restrictions

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